Yesterday my parents road-trip kidnapped me to a place called Leavenworth, Washington. For those unfamiliar with small west-coast Bavarian villages, Leavenworth is a small west-coast Bavarian village. Having tasted enough German brew’s to poison a small child, my mother, father, and I wandered down the main drag and stumbled upon a sign reading “Nutcracker Museum.” Right-O. How many could there be, really?
Up the stairs we went and into a small creaky wooden door, behind which stood a rather matronly looking old woman (Frau Nutencrackar? Wench Walnutzbrakar?) and her man helper (Herr Hazlenutzbashar?). The entrance fee was $2.50, which adjusting for inflation, means that this museum is basically free. Frau Nutencrackar invited us to sit down for a short video on the history of nutcrackers. I was already bored by the prospect, and gave my parents a glance as if to say, over my dead, nut-cracking body. When the video came on, however, I was pleasantly surprised by not only the interesting historical detail alloted by the short documentary, but also the comic relief provided by all things German. For example, the region from which most classic nutcrackers travel is called Erdewirge- which is actually pronounced Ehrduhverrguh. The fact that my parents actually speak German made this experience all the more laughable- the language actually requires you to be an oral contortionist, and not in the least bit self-conscious about it- but more importantly it requires that you not have learned how to speak it in Oklahoma.
The museum has only two halls, but houses thousands of nutcrackers, and is also visited annually by approximately 300 craft show freaks, 200 trekkies, 40 stoners, and 9 normal, sober people. I could go on for hours about this collection- but I’ll just try to touch on a few highlights… first of all, one enters the first hall only to be greeted by an eclectic mix of audio entertainment. The museum plays, on repeat, about 20 different versions of “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” A country version and a techno rendition over which Tchaikovsky is certainly rolling in his grave. Secondly, I was told that there was a nutcracker that dated back to Roman Times. I don’t know about you but when I hear this, I think… Roman Gladiator, 300-style full metal armor, casually cracking a walnut in his Santa-Claus look-a-like wooden Christmas decoration. Not so. Apparently the Romans used huge metal claws to crack nuts, or worse, but the museum would like us to think optimistically on this one. Lastly, from the shear size of this museum, I am now convinced that one of two things exists: (1) the North Pole, where small elf-like slaves are forced to handpaint thousands of these angry looking nutcrackers for a life void of any nut-cracking at all… or (2) the Erdewirge “special kind of Bavarian fun” camp where children named Gretel and Niklas make these tall, uniformed mantel ornaments for more fortunate children than themselves.
It’s a rough life in the Erdewirge- you remember that on Christmas.
Powered by Tumblr - Theme by Kyle Moseby
