There is no excuse for how bad I am with names. My inability to remember the syllables that mark a person’s identity is not only shameful, but also almost impressive. Your name could be panther- and you could introduce yourself ten times in a row while taking different yoga positions- and the likelihood that I will remember your name is on par with that of me running for President in 2012.
I am not stupid, and not even memory-challenged for that matter. I do very well on tests, I am an expert crammer, and I am excellent at remembering phone numbers- there is just something about names that doesn’t grab me enough to reserve the vacancies in hotel cranium. I blame my parents. Who names their child the Gaelic translation of a Joanna with three silent consonants and two odd vowels? No wonder I want to forget names- I would rather people not butcher mine in the process of meeting me.
On the other hand, I am always impressed by the few and proud who know how to pronounce the Irish monstrosity. They see my name written in front of them and they get this crazy gleam in their eye like they just figured out where Captain Hook put his treasure- and then after they say my name correctly they play it off like they knew how to say it straight out of the womb. It’s okay… it’s weird… I get it. And while yes I am impressed, I am also humored by the strange satisfaction that this accomplishment brings. I respond the same way every time- “wow, cool!” I say cool, like an early nineties teenager- I’m not sure why- but it’s like someone baked a soufflé properly or remembered the capital of South Dakota. Honestly what else can you say? Mazel Tav?
The worst part about not remembering names, however, is that I just recently dated another poor soul who couldn’t remember names either- that makes for some of the most awkward introductions you have ever seen. “Oh hey so this is ummmm wait yeah what did you say you were up to this year? Oh yeah great okay well yeah we gotta run… yeah great to see you, okay bye!” We started creating code words or signals for a few situations: (1) we had just run into someone that he knew but didn’t know the name of- this signal was pretty simple- if he did not offer an introduction within a few minutes of contact it was time for me to interject my name. This does not always work- and often leads to an early exit. (2) we had both just met a stranger and forgotten his or her name immediately. This is a tricky situation. The codeword for this was “grab a drink”- this was created at an evening event and, as you can imagine, was not an appropriate codeword for mornings and early afternoons but at least it made for a few laughs. The idea is that once you have both figured out that neither person knows the stranger’s name- one person has to announce that they are going to grab a drink (no matter what you are actually doing). The other person then “loses” and has to fess up to the stranger that they do not remember their name while the “winner” gets to go grab a drink- whatever that may mean at the time. (3) Neither of you care enough to pull a (2)- this one was my favorite. The codeword is “oh jeez” with a Wisconsin accent. This is when you both start to act far more intoxicated than you actually are- and start calling the person by the wrong name. This is a winner.
I’m not saying that you should implement these strategies- it’s honestly probably a terrible idea. But if you are also struck with nomialdysplasia (yes this exists- great word huh?)- then you might at least want to consider only attending functions with nametags (just don’t forget to take them off when you go out to bars- another great story).
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